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The VANISHING FATHER

show starting post by soulight
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BaddCatt   in reply to Annie38
Hey annie38

I'm proud of you for your persitence. And you're right. He does have a responsibility and your child deserves to have her dad and his name. (If she wants it)
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Annie38   in reply to Annie38
Sorry my cel is acting up with the keyboard.
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Annie38   in reply to BaddCatt
Hello, comes to be that he used his brother's info in complicity with his mom. I found his pic on fb looking up names related to his brother. I text the grandma & she is still the dirty mouth lady I met. He called me all tough because she told him her side of the story & asking me if all I cared about was child support. He accepted my daughter's friend request but has not yet mentioned paternity issues or gas spoken to her on the phone. I read a post he is opening a Rest. so Im guessing he is afraid of me taking him to court, which I still am, not because of, but because it is his responsibility & my child's right to have a dad & his real last name & not his brother's. Have a great day.
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Annie38   in reply to BaddCatt
Thank you, I will keep you posted. Enjoy your day.
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BaddCatt   in reply to Annie38
Wishing you the best of luck. Stay in touch. If I'm ever able to offer assistance, I will.
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Annie38   in reply to BaddCatt
Yes, I always spoke to her about him and how much she looks like him. She has been teased about her color and the fact he is not in her life and that has made her rebellious towards me and her siblings, as well as in school. That is why I am in the mission to get to the bottom of this, whatever happens afterward at least I will have the satisfaction I did my best to bring him into her life.
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BaddCatt   in reply to Annie38
That's good. Is your child even aware of him?
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Annie38   in reply to BaddCatt
Wanting him back for the sake of my child not for me.
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Annie38   in reply to BaddCatt
Hi, well he is not in jail. I looked up the mugshots and the person with this name and DOB is another person who looks like the grandma and I think could be his brother. I found the picture and if he lied about his age I think he also lid about his name because this person recently got arrested but when he called me he said he was locked up for 8 yrs so even of this other man used his name obviously other records of him had to show up. So now the only thing I have is his mother's name and cell but I lost my job do to health issues so I cannot pay for a full search of her info. She is covering for him like she influenced on him to not sign the birth certificate. My baby is beautiful and smart and she looks nothing like me yet she is all him ): Thank you for your reply
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BaddCatt   in reply to Annie38
Wow Annie38

You come from a dysfunctional family, and you didn't break the cycle with your first choice in men. It sounds like you have suffered much but have become stronger and wiser as a result.
Keep trusting in the Lord and let Him direct your path hence forward.
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BaddCatt   in reply to Annie38
Hello Annie38
Sounds like he was a child when you met and he still hasn't matured. Are you wanting him back in your life? Is he hiding because he's trying to avoid paying child support? It blows my mind that these deadbeat dads don't realize that the monetary support is secondary to the spiritual, physical and social support that the children need from their dads.
Apparently the grandmother is covering for him. This is what I would like for you to do, Annie - If you have the grandmother's address, I want you to mail to her a copy of the movie 'Courageous'. She needs to watch it and then pass it on to him. Even if he is in jail, they'll let him watch it. It would be good for all the inmates to watch.

Please keep us updated. We'll be praying for you.
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Annie38   in reply to needhelpmovingon
Hi, I have a dad who abandoned my mom do to their crazy lifestyle. I saw him once a yr and i was scared of him. As like you I was blamed for their break up and he does not want to talk to me. It hurts and I also have a sibling he spends time with more than he did with me but what does not kill you makes you stronger. Learn from this that what you was not given you give to your babies. Show your kids that of what you lacked of, we are strong and no matter who abandons us, God is always there to keep us strong. I had it bad on both parents, mom didnt want a girl and I was dad's first but he thought I was from an affair mom had. I got tossed and beaten, ridiculed and rejected but the worst was since he didnt see me as his, he had sexual thoughts and didnt hide it. After ten yrs grown with kids I looked for him and trust me I regret it, he showed his genitals to my 5 child (girl) and I had to break all ties. After yrs I went to see him but nothing is ever the same. Last yr I went and he hid behind the door and when I called him he responded "Im dead". I let him know I am who I am thanks to God and myself and that I give my kids what niether of them gave me. Keep your head up high and I also have a brother from mom side that was her favorite, never felt jealous and watched over him with my life. God bless and keep on living for those bbyz
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Annie38
My daughter's dad lied about his age & then dissapeared for 13 yrs. I searched and finally found his family & contacted them. The grandmother called & now she is ignoring my calls & txt. He called me & spoke for 10 mins said he was very young and I said we both were but He said I was way younger than I had told you. I looked up his name because he said he was in jail & the picture that shows up is another man. If he lied about his age I think he lied about his name as well or this man is his brother but this is the only man that shows up with this name & has used his mother's last name & his stepdad's full name. Why do people do such terrible things??????
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annie46   in reply to crazyhorse
Hi crazyhorse your story was so sad I agree with you about fathers that do participate in their children,s lives , It is truly sad but thank you for being there for them and providing a home , I can not imagine the loss of a child I will be praying for your healing from the loss of your daughter, there are many good people here on aidpage that will talk with you if you just want to talk, post to me at anytime. annie46
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crazyhorse
My Father abandoned me my daughters father abandoned her and my grandson father abandoned his son after the death of my daughter. My daughter's father never played a role in her life, he held her once in her entire life on this earth and she was six months at the time. She passed away in July of 2005, for which my heart still hurts so very much, she did leave a son behind, for which I am responsible for with no help from any agencies, or his father. When my daughter dad did call it took him 3 decades and over 3 years to pick up a phone to talk to me. I am 1 out of 3-4 Babies mother's When I heard his voice I knew it right away, I never forgot it, this is the young man that took my innocents and walked away as if nothing had happened, his mother is the one who kept up with my daughter just like she is keeping up with her Great grandson. He on the other hand could care less, when I had a moment to talk about her a little and when I did I burst into tears. Silly of me to think that he would remotely care and show some compassion for the daughter he did not get to know because it was his choice. He showed no compassion for me, he never said everything is going to be alright, but he did tell me about him going to a resort to celebrate his birthday and get this, this man still owes me $12,000 dollars in back child support. He can celebrate I was like WOW........ He never sent her a birthday card, he never call to wish her happy birthday and she looked like him the most. out of all 6 of his daughters, she was his second, He did not give to her what he provided for his other daughters w Love, Respect and her admiration's, He Lives in Dalton Illinois on Grant street. locked away with his wife and life. GET THIS HE GOES TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY OR EVERY MOMENT HE CAN BE THERE. My grandson Father is the worst of worst, he came to the funeral, he knew the responsibility and yet he left it all on me. These Guys, should be put on big blasted posted as SPERM Donors, NOT Fathers.
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karenmusic   in reply to Lady Christie
I ahve a similar story that is breaking my heart. At six my father found a pic of mombwbanotherbmanbbbIbamb54 btoday and feel like it was yeseterday that night he left where I was at the front door being pulled in one direction by my father and my mom had the other hand pulling me in... dad left many scars...my mom swears she did not cheat.. a year later my father gave me a dress on a sunday visit and sent me walking down the aisle .. not telling my mom we would be in his wedding party... the controversy, fights, my mom getting 75 per week.. my father picking me up in long island and driving me to the bronx to be with his new family.. this went on for years... he would never be alone with my sister and I and raised 2 step sons... he never heard me play violin or piano (I have been playing since I am 8) and he did not come to my wedding or give me one bday present ever... when I turned 16 I did not want to go on sun. visit and my dad would not take me somewhere on long island..so I stopped seeing him... until I turned 20 and he made me take the stand at a court hearing where he was trying to reduce the amount of money he gave my mom... he did not believe that I was in college.. I had to bring my transcripts (I got a full scholarship playing violin). I started a lunch visit in NYC where my dad and I both worked at around 25 (he told me to keep it a secret from his wife that we were visiting each other). Then again I stopped seeing him for about 20 more years as he was not being a dad.. these lunch visits were not doing it for me anymore...when I was getting married my husband called him asking for his hand in marriage (after a few beers of course!) my father asked if he could bring his wife and did not ask to speak with me... I told him no unless he wanted to chip in for the wedding... well he came, took pics and left.. I never saw him at my wedding but others reported he was there.. weirdo.... he likes taking pics and probably makes believe to others he is having a relationship with me... again.. did not see him until about 8 years ago... I sent him a letter and told him I had a son (his only and first grandson) and invited him to visit us... the first sentence out of my dad's mouth "why didn't you also address your letter to my wife? Of course, I was mortified and did not say anything as I was soooo happy to hear his voice.. well he came and visited once a year for about 7 years after... I of course had to push myself on him to get him to have us come visit him upstate NY... he continued and gave my son $25 at christmas and bdays and me a card with maybe a coupon in it.. very insulating.. I know money isnt everything but he never even asked me to play violin.. .or asked me about my life etc... we are strangers.... last year I had a graduation from h.s. party for my son... he did not come.. no present etc.. he said he did not give a grad present to my son because my son did not call him and thank him at christmas for the $25.. but my son did thank him and he forgot.. another excuse to write me off.. I am sure my dad thinks I just want him for monwy (not that he has alot!).. but all I want is his love.. after he dissed my son like that I finally came to a realization that I hate him... I will never get my father back... he continues to help his step sons.. my sister and I never got hugs or love from him but one summer when we were visiting we actually saw him with his step granddaughter on his lap and he was rubbing her back with love.. why didnt my father ever love my sister and I ... I havent seen him for about 2 years now and still miss my dad .. the dad I remember when I was 7... he is gone forever.. that is a reality I finally have come to realize.. because my dad abandoned me I have alot of trust issues.. feel not good enough... have alot of anger that I continue to dull with prescribed meds.. etc.. so you dads out there.... remember the above... as this hurt will never leave me...
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meashka_baby
My dad paid someone to make my mom have a carwreck and I was in the car, when I had JUST turned four. Idk if he knew I was in the car or not but he says he didn't.. I almost died but God sent his angel's down just in time! I was payalized and in a comma for about four months maybe a lil longer. He stuck around for a few week's, then abandoned me I didn't understand it but I guess that's just life! After a while.. a long while I was better I had to relearn EVERYTHING over, but I eventuly did it. I never forgot him, Even though I never heard one good thing about my father..That didn't stop me from loving him! I didn't ever stop looking either, until one day I was about Ten I was looking at Father's Day card's wishing I knew my dad.. My mom called my name saying "she saw my dad" I came running, but the second he saw me he ran!!
I chased him, around the store twice, then into another store.
Then he finnialy stoped cursed my mom out gave me a hug, told me he had twin girl's named Hope and Faith that I wasn't allowed to see.. So as we were leaving they pulled up I saw my little sister's I cryed and gave them BOTH hugs and kisses.
Told them I loved them, that I knew about them since second grade, and would NEVER would let anything bad happen to them! But later on as I stared seeing him more, I found out everything was true!
He's a acholic, drug-atic who doesn't care about anyone but himself and worst of all.. He told me I didn't deserve a dad and he hated me... He told me too just forget about him, but I could NEVER do that. If ONLY he would understand, I still wanna be his lil girl like before.. like it used to be when he was my daddy! :(............................ :(...........
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sqawgirl
 in response to needhelpmovingon...   Your post ressonated with me because I too have had a very similar experience with my father. He abondoned me when I was 14yrs old after I turned to him for help as my step father was abusing me. He has three other kids to his new marriage, who I have not seen since they were very young. A few years ago I came across my half sister and we even met up after 18 yrs of seperation. My father who was obviously not over moon with our renewed relationship suddenly got in touch and basically demoralised me for having children out of wedlock and for not having a decent career and then was kind enough to pass on some parenting advice!!!

Needless to say I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown over the whole thing and needed alot of professional help to get my life back on track. I am now receiving medical treatment for the psyciatric damage this man has caused to my life. It sickened me that his other three children refered to him as a loving, kind father and seemed to have the life and love I had always dreamed off but had been shut out of.

Anyway 4 yrs after this nightmare reunion I am rebuilding my life. I need to tell myself everyday how thankful I am for the love that I do have in my life today and that I am a worthwhile and loveable person. Its a struggle, a battle almost to keep my morale going but I do what I can for my kids sake. I know nothing will take away the deep pain and emptiness he has left in me but I am determined that I will not allow him to ruin me. I know it hurts so bad but please for your own sanity and for your children's sake you need to keep your father out of your life. I had to cut all contact with my sisters and brother too as it was far too painful.

What I have learned is that recovery and moving on from abondonment means loving yourself enough to not allow anyone to hurt you. You may not be number one to your father but you can make self a priority. A father who destroys his childs life through neglect and abondonment is not worthy of your pain. Lots of love Jenny (35yrs) xxx
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CATLUV
 in response to needhelpmovingon...   Hello, it sounds like these wounds run deep in your life. May I say that your father does not sound like a well man, and while I know we all have the natural instinct to have our parents love us, approve of our lives and say they're proud, some people are simply not capable of doing so and it's not your fault. Have you ever worked with a counselor/therapist around these issues? It might be something to seriously consider as getting through this you will need some support, validation, etc. I can tell you now that unless your dad gets some help himself (which from your brief post I would doubt he would) you will never get the validation, respect, apologies, etc., from him, as he's simply not able to do so. Anyone who blames a child for their marriage demise has some serious issues, and trying to get back into his life will likely only bring more stress, anger, sadness, .. i could go on. Basically a relationship of that nature has little if any chance of improving, and again, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know how painful it is to need and want something so desperately - especially in relationship to a family member and parent -, and as you get older it will likely soften some, but that hurt will probably remain there until you can do some therapeutic work with a professional. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that the relationship you desire with your dad is unlikely, as the person he is is simply not the person you need in your life, and probably never will be. You deserve so much better than to get beat up for something that wasn't your fault, and find a way to cut those strings so that they no longer tug at your heart and soul the way they have for all of these years. Obviously I don't know you or your father, but that was my take from reading your post and I hope I have not offended you, as that was far from my intention. If you want to talk, I am here most everyday. I wish I had a magic answer to make the situation all better, but sadly, I don't. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and try to find ways to let you of that guilt, sense of responsibility and blame, along with the false idea that it's your fault, and only if you did this or that things would be alright ... because doing that, you will only further torture yourself and it will not help. I understand your desire for a relationship and healing ... and it sounds like even a sort of "forgiveness" from your dad and the relationship - even though you have nothing to be sorry for. In all honesty, after your experiences and pain, do you truly think it would be a good, healthy and productive thing for your dad to be in your kids lives? Just a thought. Again, if you want to chat further I am more than willing to hear anything you have to share .. sometimes it's helpful just to have someone listen to us and validate our feelings without any judgement, and I hope that I or someone else, can do that for you. Blessings to you and your kids. Cat
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needhelpmovingon
When I was 14 my parents got divorced. My dad blamed the divorce on me even telling me to my face that it was my fault. Its been 15 years and I cannot seem to get over it or move past it. To complicate things further I have a brother a few years younger than I who our father did not abandon. My brother has always tried to keep his relationship with our father quiet as to not rub it in my face I guess that our dad still talks and interacts with him. But of course that is not always possible to do. There are often times I hear of how our dad took my brother places vacations payed for things etc. I try to hold it in but it does break my heart to hear of these things. I have tried to reach out to my father after I had my first child but my dad did not respond. He simply will not ever talk to me again and he states this fact whenever it is brought up by his friends or family. I have 2 kids now of my own and my brother is about to have his first child. I have no idea how to handle this. Any advice would be welcome
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