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The VANISHING FATHER

soulight started this conversation
Jul 21, 2007

Why is the father figure  'position'  in our country so vacant ?                                                                                                                                      This site addresses that question to some extent.

 

 

First I would like to say that I know there are still good fathers out there. Fathers who care about and love their children and are attentive and supporting with their wives.   This is about a crisis with the fathers who don't care . The page that I found is about that father. It is pretty sad that they make this topic into a college course because of its' widspread occurance in our country. .

The best part about this site is the PROGRAM READINGS and the SELECT BIOGRAPHY ON THE FAMILY CRISIS DEBATE parts . If you want to do research and reading about this crisis in our country with disappearing fathers , this is where to start.

 

THE VANISHING FATHER

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Here is a book that you might want to check out of the library . It will be of help to your daughter who has been abandoned by her father. It makes me sad just writing this. My own daughter is in this situation and it still tears at my heart.  Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter's Journey to Forgiveness captures the pains of hundreds of thousands of daughters especially in Black America with absent fathers. Prof. Lee E. Meadows of Walsh College describes it as "a stunningly vivid account of a parental void that should resonate with readers"

 

The ISBN is a number that you can use to find the book at the library . If you are not sure how to use it , just ask a librarian . I hope and pray that this book helps some young girls and young women in their journey to forgiveness.


 
Pub date: 2007
Pages: 181 p. :
ISBN: 9780976075547

 

 

More information about the book :

A touching and compassionate story, "Papa Was A Rolling Stone: A Daughter's Journey to Forgiveness", exposes the painful experience of father absence in America.  Robin Wright King describes her account and struggle to understand why the 'first man she wanted to love her' did not.   She elegantly articulates the impact of his absence while sharing her journey to forgiveness and the vitally important role that fathers play in the lives of their daughters.  She examines this national fatherlessness epidemic for African American females and all women, and issues a call to action to alter behaviors responsible for 'Baby Daddy's and 'Baby Mama's.

 

 

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sqawgirl
Sep 13, 2011
 in response to needhelpmovingon...   Your post ressonated with me because I too have had a very similar experience with my father. He abondoned me when I was 14yrs old after I turned to him for help as my step father was abusing me. He has three other kids to his new marriage, who I have not seen since they were very young. A few years ago I came across my half sister and we even met up after 18 yrs of seperation. My father who was obviously not over moon with our renewed relationship suddenly got in touch and basically demoralised me for having children out of wedlock and for not having a decent career and then was kind enough to pass on some parenting advice!!!

Needless to say I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown over the whole thing and needed alot of professional help to get my life back on track. I am now receiving medical treatment for the psyciatric damage this man has caused to my life. It sickened me that his other three children refered to him as a loving, kind father and seemed to have the life and love I had always dreamed off but had been shut out of.

Anyway 4 yrs after this nightmare reunion I am rebuilding my life. I need to tell myself everyday how thankful I am for the love that I do have in my life today and that I am a worthwhile and loveable person. Its a struggle, a battle almost to keep my morale going but I do what I can for my kids sake. I know nothing will take away the deep pain and emptiness he has left in me but I am determined that I will not allow him to ruin me. I know it hurts so bad but please for your own sanity and for your children's sake you need to keep your father out of your life. I had to cut all contact with my sisters and brother too as it was far too painful.

What I have learned is that recovery and moving on from abondonment means loving yourself enough to not allow anyone to hurt you. You may not be number one to your father but you can make self a priority. A father who destroys his childs life through neglect and abondonment is not worthy of your pain. Lots of love Jenny (35yrs) xxx
reply to sqawgirl
CATLUV
Aug 7, 2011
 in response to needhelpmovingon...   Hello, it sounds like these wounds run deep in your life. May I say that your father does not sound like a well man, and while I know we all have the natural instinct to have our parents love us, approve of our lives and say they're proud, some people are simply not capable of doing so and it's not your fault. Have you ever worked with a counselor/therapist around these issues? It might be something to seriously consider as getting through this you will need some support, validation, etc. I can tell you now that unless your dad gets some help himself (which from your brief post I would doubt he would) you will never get the validation, respect, apologies, etc., from him, as he's simply not able to do so. Anyone who blames a child for their marriage demise has some serious issues, and trying to get back into his life will likely only bring more stress, anger, sadness, .. i could go on. Basically a relationship of that nature has little if any chance of improving, and again, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know how painful it is to need and want something so desperately - especially in relationship to a family member and parent -, and as you get older it will likely soften some, but that hurt will probably remain there until you can do some therapeutic work with a professional. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that the relationship you desire with your dad is unlikely, as the person he is is simply not the person you need in your life, and probably never will be. You deserve so much better than to get beat up for something that wasn't your fault, and find a way to cut those strings so that they no longer tug at your heart and soul the way they have for all of these years. Obviously I don't know you or your father, but that was my take from reading your post and I hope I have not offended you, as that was far from my intention. If you want to talk, I am here most everyday. I wish I had a magic answer to make the situation all better, but sadly, I don't. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and try to find ways to let you of that guilt, sense of responsibility and blame, along with the false idea that it's your fault, and only if you did this or that things would be alright ... because doing that, you will only further torture yourself and it will not help. I understand your desire for a relationship and healing ... and it sounds like even a sort of "forgiveness" from your dad and the relationship - even though you have nothing to be sorry for. In all honesty, after your experiences and pain, do you truly think it would be a good, healthy and productive thing for your dad to be in your kids lives? Just a thought. Again, if you want to chat further I am more than willing to hear anything you have to share .. sometimes it's helpful just to have someone listen to us and validate our feelings without any judgement, and I hope that I or someone else, can do that for you. Blessings to you and your kids. Cat
reply to CATLUV
needhelpmovingon
Aug 7, 2011
When I was 14 my parents got divorced. My dad blamed the divorce on me even telling me to my face that it was my fault. Its been 15 years and I cannot seem to get over it or move past it. To complicate things further I have a brother a few years younger than I who our father did not abandon. My brother has always tried to keep his relationship with our father quiet as to not rub it in my face I guess that our dad still talks and interacts with him. But of course that is not always possible to do. There are often times I hear of how our dad took my brother places vacations payed for things etc. I try to hold it in but it does break my heart to hear of these things. I have tried to reach out to my father after I had my first child but my dad did not respond. He simply will not ever talk to me again and he states this fact whenever it is brought up by his friends or family. I have 2 kids now of my own and my brother is about to have his first child. I have no idea how to handle this. Any advice would be welcome
reply to needhelpmovingon
duvexy
Feb 6, 2011
I did not even know I had a vanishing Father until I was 16 years old. I really thought my Step Dad was my Dad. My Step Dad was my Dad as he paid for my food etc. My real Dad did not even come by to see me. My received not assistance to take responsibility for his self in getting my Mother pregnant. He paid no child support and never came around. while at the same time when my Mom told me about my real Dad he accepted me with open arms and all. I love him for that. But, I have been judged to the inner do nut whole of rejected by both my Step fathers kids and my real dads kids. They all can not stand me, and I still write here to say why they it feels bad to be left behind. You know he did even try to find me. :( And, then my siblings try this crap that I was not there as if it was my fault. And, they use that to talk down to me. Blame me for not being there when I was a kid.
reply to duvexy
toetappintami
Jun 9, 2010
reply to toetappintami
soulight
Jun 4, 2010
 in response to lillypea...   

To lillypea :

All is I can say is "Amen to that ! " I hope all of us find a way to fill the holes left by childhood abuse and neglect. Trying to fill that Daddy hole is a big one. It comes down to loving ourselves as we are . Forgiveness . Letting go and Letting God. Filling the holes with new and peaceful memories...Most of all , it is important to find wholeness within ourselves , not in another person.

I pray that we all can take the journey to wholeness.

soulight

reply to soulight
lillypea
Mar 13, 2010

I understand completely see my father left us out of the quickness of the night without question of cause or of why he wanted to severe his ties with us.  I did not know my father but when i was 21 that was 17 years without him he decided to appear out of some foggy scene that he himself apparently has no recolection.  He to this day which has been 6 years later i did have some connection in the begining when he did his famous appearing act but then realized why my curiousity was going to kill me.  As they say i found he didn't care about his only daughter after lies upon lies and all the time and energy i put into saving him in a sense.  I got nothing but a selfish depressed conceided father.  I was hurt.  When i finally had enough i basically stop with all conversations back and forth and began healing after the pain once again.  But lately he decided to write my husband a letter and talk to him like he was his own blood.  Inserting in the letter my half sister which to me seems to be his closness rather than i am.  Though my sister really dislikes him.  He pursues her like she is.  In some sick fashion i imagine.  So in my head i am writing a letter to him in all the things i should say.  I know what i should and shouldn't say but that tie we once shared for a bleak moment will never be.  I feel for all those who lost there fathers in lies and the own form of self distruction.  It does pain me so that others have to go through what i felt when he left.  For all those woman who feel the pain and scarcity of their invisible dads.  I feel for you in all most of sympathy and heart.  God bless everyone and hope too you all can fix that whole as well as i have.  Thank you. 

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Nuffles
Sep 1, 2009
reply to Nuffles
EddieBon
Nov 29, 2008
Hello Lady Christie's. I am so sorry, and I understand that is very painful. My mother give me soon after I was born in a hospital in Brazil. A family came and adopted me, thanks God. The years passed by and I was growing, thinking about my life, and one day I decided to come to the US and start a new life. I just found now, after 33 years, that my mother is dead and I have 7 sisters in Brazil, I can't wait to go meet them. My father I still don't know him, his location and if he is dead. Today I am married and have one daughter which is everything to me and I thank God every day of my life for her. Sometimes we just think that we don't belong to this world, I am like that sometimes, but as you, I and other people that went thru this are winners and we still going in full speed.  Dads, don't just walk out your kids like that, they love you and they are winners and most of the time one day you will be depending on them. Love yours children. God bless you Lady Christie's.
reply to EddieBon
soulight
Jul 21, 2007

I will never forget this incident that happened after I separated from my former husband : My daugher had bought my ex husband a birthday present and wrapped it herself. My ex said that he would show up to church and sit together with my daughter. She sat there holding the present for the whole service and he never showed up . He still has about the same lack of caring 7 years later. All I can tell my daughter is " There are some people who are like cabbages. They smell the same no matter how you cook them." "Your dad is a cabbage. FATHERS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS. What you DON'T do could make for many years of heartache and counseling for your kids . You are responsible for the self-esteem of your kids. Don't withold your love from them because you want to 'get back ' at your ex. It's not about you.It's not about your ex. It's about that precious kid who just wants a dad. soulight

reply to soulight
Lady Christie
Jul 21, 2007

My own father walked out of my life when I was 9 I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was waiting by the window with my bags packed and he never showed. At age 13 he stopped paying child support, then by age 14 when we could get him into court he wanted to be daddy all over again. I stood up and said forget you ever had a daughter and that was that. When I turned 22 I decided maybe I should make peace with him and I did which lasted 2 years. I gave it a good effort only to feel unwelcome. I have now once again cut off all ties with him, you can't have something that was never really there. Dads need to realize when they walk out they can never make up for lost time. They can never mend the broken hearts they leave behind.

reply to Lady Christie